I suffer from seasonal allergies. Many people (30% of our adult population) do. Pollen and other microscopic spores that permeate the air in the warmer months can do a number on my sinuses and make me quite miserable. For some reason my body has decided that these things are out to harm me and it freaks out when it detects them. But pollen isn’t inherently bad. It serves a very important purpose in our world. Without it, we wouldn’t be able to survive as a species. And it doesn’t affect everyone the same way it affects me. For many people their bodies recognize that pollen is innocuous and therefore don’t throw themselves into an inflamed rage at the slightest hint of it.

Some plant spores can be toxic. Your standard, day to day pollen isn’t inherently, but when it interacts with certain organisms it is.

Some people can genuinely be toxic. Your standard, day to day person isn’t inherently, but when they interact with certain other personality types they can be.

Here’s the thing. We toss around the phrase “toxic person” a lot these days and I think we need to be more careful with the way we use it. To say that someone is toxic carries with it the connotation that there is something inside of them that makes them poisonous. But that often isn’t the case. Often it is more that, due to your life circumstances or upbringing or some other factor, you are not equipped to process another person in a healthy way. They are not inherently toxic, you are simply allergic to them.

Now, as you know, allergies occur in varying degrees with different people. For some, allergies can be life threatening. For most, they’re a minor inconvenience. And I think this is where we need to start drawing a distinction when it comes to our relationships with other people, too. You’re not going to avoid going outside and enjoying a walk or bon fire just because you might get a bit of the sniffles from the allergens in the air. That would be silly and you would miss out on a lot of valuable times. Even people with more severe allergies (say the ones risking asphyxiation via bee sting) don’t allow that to keep them perpetually indoors. They brave the outer world with their resilience and an epi pen.

I’m aware that this is an imperfect analogy but just so, it doesn’t make sense to cut off relationships because they are inconvenient or difficult. In contrast to the allergy example, being exposed to these relationships can help us grow and become a better person.

Of course we all want to be around people who see our value, respect us, and have only fluffy, feel-good things to contribute to our lives. I mean, heck, I do! But if I sanitized my circle down to just those people, A. I’m pretty sure I would have like 1 friend, and B. I would have missed a lot of incredibly valuable lessons that I’ve only learned through hashing out some pretty tough differences with others.

All this isn’t to say that toxic people don’t exist. Because they do. So how do we recognize them? If that person is being intentionally malicious or abusive I believe they are toxic. If they are being abusive or hurtful and it’s not intentional, but they refuse to listen and/or understand how their actions are affecting you, I believe that could be a toxic person as well. In these instances I don’t think it’s wrong to place distance between you and that person.

Something I’ve been thinking about recently; I’ll fight with people, but I won’t fight people. I’m more than willing to fight with you; to engage in a discussion about things that affect our relationship, *if* we can agree that the end goal is that we preserve and better said relationship. But if your goal is to be right about something or to get your way, I’m not going to engage in that. There is no positive outcome that can come from those kinds of battles. And I prefer to do my best to work toward positive outcomes.

I think of the verse that says “As much as it depends on you, live at peace with all people.” And also the other one that talks about how the World will know we are believers because of our love for one another. Which leads me to think of the biblical definition of love; patient, kind, not envious, not boastful, not arrogant, not rude, doesn’t insist on its own way, not irritable or resentful, doesn’t rejoice in wrongdoing, does rejoice in truth, it believes, bears, hopes, and endures all things.

As you look at the circumstances in your life, consider these. Consider if the way you’re choosing to approach them falls in line with the way God has called us to live.

Sometimes the loving thing *is* to take a step back from a relationship. Sometimes it is loving to teach the other person by your actions that certain behaviors aren’t ok. Sometimes to stick around in certain situations is to enable another to continue in poor choices leading to destructive behavior. But if you’re going to pull away, be sure, if you can, to communicate clearly your reasons. It will serve only selfish good if you do not.

Honestly, I confess that I’ve failed at that last part recently in one of my relationships. As I write this, I realize that I may need to apologize for this and explain some things.

In conclusion, let’s start try to start learning the difference between toxins and allergens when it comes to the people in our lives, and maybe stop calling poison control every time you get a stuffy nose 🙂

Me off